If it is in the Paper, It Must Be True

Many years ago I started collecting articles, headlines, and snippets that I saw in newspapers and found, well, “interesting”.  Some of these were innocent, with a turn of a phrase that no one caught before publication.  Others were clearly the work of someone who had just been fired or had a wicked sense of humor.  Unfortunately I lost my collection of clippings.  Some of these items have remained in my memory, and I would like to share them with you.  Enjoy.

Back in the days of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” the following headline appeared in 1991 in The Wall Street Journal:

  • Gay GI’s Told to Serve Now, Face Discharge Later

This was on purpose.  It is just too brilliant not to have been devised by a higher being.

This is verbatim from an article from a newspaper in South Central Texas.  Honestly, I am not making this up.

  • A 140-pound chimpanzee escaped from a research center by jumping more than 15 feet, snatched a tranquilizer dart gun from an animal worker and threatened police by flailing its arms before an officer shot and killed the animal last month, according to a new report.

    Officials said the University of Texas police officer who shot Tony shouted he was going to shoot before firing at the 17-year-old chimpanzee.

    The officer shouted at least twice that he was going to shoot,” the report said. “In fear for his safety, the officer then fired several times, striking the chimpanzee.”

You know what the problem is with chimpanzees?  THEY JUST WON’T LISTEN!

Newspapers are (or maybe were) a great source for learning about goings on in your community.  For example, I learned that the following team had won the 9-year old baseball league:

  • Our Lady of Perpetual Help Bombers

Those ISIS bastards aren’t going to know what hit them.

Newspapers were even helpful in informing you what to watch on TV by providing synopses of the series or movie.   The Manster, a 1962 movie starring Peter Dyneley, Jane Hylton, and Satoshi Nakamura, was described rather succinctly:

  • Reporter, injected with serum, turns into hairy monster

This was the very beginning of the anti-vaccination movement.  Damn you Dyneley!!

As newspapers have shrunk, so has the opportunity to find fun tidbits.  I will turn my attention to the internet, because we all know that you can take everything on the internet to the bank.  When I have sufficient material, I will return with Volume II.

Until the next time – YP

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